For years I suffered in silence, trying to weasel out of pet ownership. Then Marie Kondo rescued me. It was time to un-adopt the dog. Because the dog did not SPARK JOY.

Here’s why. Dog pee on the wall-to-wall, beige carpet (or MY BED). Occasional (non-toddler) poop on the hardwood floors. Incessant barking when the kids were trying to nap. Her, understandable, desire for affection when I just didn’t have anything left to give (after trying to put the kids down to nap.)

I could go on.

And I did go on to hang adopt-a-dog fliers. Maybe you saw them around town.

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Our quality of life

Now Vera couldn’t help the barking. She was, after all, part dachshund. And she didn’t follow any of the rules in the dog-training bible.

When we put her in the yard, she barked – a lot. Which meant the neighbors hated us. With our pre-Vera dogs (may they rest in peace), one neighbor said they were ruining his “quality of life.” A bit dramatic I’d say. Because: dogs bark.

I think the neighbor was onto something about dogs though. Because Vera often ate her way out of the fence to stalk the cats that lived next door. Or escaped from the leash to attack the dogs across the street #pitbullmix

Cleaning up pee and poop, plus incessant barking, plus daily apologies to the neighbors, plus managing a full time job, two little people and a household definitely has an un-quality-of-life feel to it.

Does all this bring me joy? Well, what do you think?

What pet should we get?

Our pre-Vera dogs were best buds. We were glad they had each other when our boys were born, when we went into full ignoring-dogs-because-we-have-babies mode. They were good dogs and had done incredible things, like scaling small mountains, kayaking and eating birds. All before the babies came. Then they had each other and didn’t need us. Plus, they agreed to pee and poop outside per the contract they signed when we rescued them from the pound.

When they moved on to Jesus, we waited 8 months to adopt another dog. And read Dr. Seuss’s What Pet Should I Get? about 100x.

I really enjoyed those 8 months. No vet bills. No boarding-during-vacation bills. No dog-food bills.

I get it. A pet is a family member, not an expense. But when you’re in the midst of small children, a dog can feel like a nuisance. A very expensive nuisance.

At least Vera was, like, 3 years old when she arrived at our house. Because I have one major rule when it comes to dogs: NEVER ADOPT A PUPPY.

I don’t care how cute baby dogs are. (And I should know, I grew up surrounded by them.) Puppies have sharp teeth and aren’t potty trained and chew up lots of things – just ask the guy who wrote Bad Dog, Marley. And they really, REALLY like attention.

A mature dog is the way to go. As long as you test drive the thing first. Especially when you have small children. (Does the dog like small children? Will the dog eat small children? Does the dog want to dominate small children?)

Dog test-driving is my husband’s specialty. Vera won him over, and I trusted his judgement. I jumped right back into the role of dog-mom.

Boys’ best friend

The boys LOVED this dog. And she loved them. She tolerated the little one climbing on her. She slept in the older one’s bed. Ah, a boy and his dog…

Also, there’s something to the notion that pets teach empathy and responsibility.

One day, the 4-year-old brought me a cup filled with dog food: Mommy, I can’t find Vera’s bowl.

That’s because I’d hidden it. Because she kept vomiting. Or, as my son described it, “She gets sick out of her mouth.” From eating tiny plastic dinosaurs? From children feeding her grapes? From catching the stomach bug from one of us?

I told my kid to go get another bowl to put her “crunchies” in. He was taking responsibility and feeding the dog – at FOUR! How could I un-adopt a dog that inspired him to do so much good in the world?

Easy: vomit equals no-joy!

The great tail fiasco

Then there was her crazy-ass tail.

For the first 6 weeks we had her, she wagged her tail maniacally. Til she literally whacked it to death. I’m talking my boys, my clothes, my kitchen cabinets turned into a Jackson Pollock painting every time we came home and she greeted us at the door. She absentmindedly whacked her tail against the wall til it turned into a blood-fountain. Then she kept on whacking it while red splotches flew onto all the things. Never phased her.

No, I’m not kidding. When your kid is freaking out because he has dog blood-splatter on his head for the fifth time that day, you take action. $500 later, the dog got a new tail. Kudos to our vet, she docked that thing like a champ.

This was a nice reminder that pets are expensive. And that sometimes you are forced to spend money on the weirdest shit, like dog acupuncture. When you’d get more joy spending those dollars on your kid’s gymnastics tutor.

The adoption inquiries begin

A family inquired about adopting Vera.

Is this beauty still looking for love? (This kinda stabbed me in the heart.)

We have a 2-year-old pit mix that is looking for a playmate. We also have a senior 13-year-old German, short-haired pointer and a 5-year-old runt Doberman that thinks she’s 2. I’m in total love with our pit bull baby, and Vera feels like she could be a total fit with our pack…

Lemme know something. XOXOXO.

Oh, how Vera would love a dog buddy!

But you know how it goes. When you finally decide to break up with your boyfriend and some other chick has her eye on him, you’re, like, “Back off, bee-ach, he is MINE.” This felt like that. Suddenly, the dog was a hot commodity. And I wanted a piece! Oh, wait, she was my dog. I already had all her pieces (minus some tail.)

So I decided to poll the boys. Who were completely biased towards the dog.

I told them another family wanted Vera to come live with them, that they have a couple dogs already so Vera would have lots of friends to play with.

Me: What do you think of that?
The boys: Ok.

Excuse me, what? Perhaps you misunderstood me, sons.

I repeated myself.

This time the little one added, “Then we’ll get a cat.”

Not likely.

Dog-free at last

Today I conducted a workshop on resiliency and asked everyone to list their “stressors.” Two months ago DOG was on my list. Now, I bowed in reverence to a small statue of Marie Kondo and declared that I had ONE LESS STRESSOR in my life. And the dog-free life is sparking so much joy that it’s blasting out of my eyeballs!

Share your dog-mom tips below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS
This comment from my friend Matt, who met the dog, is cracking me up.

I read this post and the bloody dog tail made me laugh in the most macabre way. Not a huge fan of the new dog. I felt like she was a really small, angry pimp wildly swinging any minute between being affectionate and eating my face.

“Nah, baby, it’s cool. Why don’t you come over here and pet me a little bit? Yeah, that’s nice. That’s real nice. Ah, yeah, that’s the…wait a minute! Did I say stop? DID I SAY STOP?”

I’m loving these other comments, too.

I read your blog. Very funny. Very real.

We have four dogs. We also have three cats. My wife “finds” dogs and brings them home. She has a reputation. Now people with “found” dogs, bring their dogs to my wife. I don’t dislike dogs, but I have never asked for any of them. I don’t know that I’ve agreed to any of them. Also, one of the dogs is a Great Dane that weighs 113 lbs. Another is a Labradoodle that weighs 85 lbs. When they play in the house, it’s like having two cars driving around INSIDE the house. I have a hang up about water on the floor. Drives me nuts. When Zeus — the Great Dane — drinks, only about 20 percent of the water stays in his mouth. The rest is on the floor. I like the dogs — they’re sweet. It’s just too much. Also, I have a granddaughter who comes over often. The dogs are too much for her.

So, I can relate to your blog. Every. Single. Day. Xs four.

I’m a dog trainer and pet sitter. Though for me, a pet is a life long commitment, I can also support re-homing if a situation isn’t working out. It is far more humane to re-home to a qualified owner, someone who can spend time with and train a pet properly, and not have a pet stuck in a yard, kennel or on a chain. My primary focus on training is the introduction part. Getting the dog and teaching it to be a good member of the household. The other part is to work with traumatized dogs, who weren’t correctly homed to begin with. Who didn’t get that initial socialization and training needed.

I’m not into shaming people who realize that they are not qualified to care for an animal. Better for everyone for the pet to have a home it can thrive in. I just ask that when re-homing, you research the person and their home. A recommendation from their vet is a good idea. Plus, be honest about your pet’s issues, so the new family can take the right steps with the pet.