By Corinne, guest blogger
Hello, new parents!
This post is for you. However, if you are a new parent, I don’t expect you to have time to read this. Because you are:
a. exhausted
b. feeding, changing, burping, rocking, or otherwise dealing with baby
c. trying to feed yourself and/or the rest of your family, but have decided it takes too much energy
d. peacefully, gloriously asleep (as if!)
Words of solace
Dear reader, I ask you to convey these words of solace to any newbies in the trenches.
It is all going to be ok.
You are not going to die.
Your baby is not going to die.
Yes, this new baby thing sucks.
No, thinking that does not make you a bad person.
All you need to do for the next three months is SURVIVE. You do not need to shower. And you can eat whenever you want. (Screw regular meal times. Pizza at 3am? Yes, please!)
No, I don’t know why no one warned you. When I asked my own mother this question, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS???!!!” Her very calm response was, “Would you have believed me?”
No, Mom. No, I would not.
Here’s the thing. You know all those funny movies about parenting? The movies where they show the baby projectile vomiting or spewing poop and covering an entire room? Before entering the surreal world of parenting, we laugh at these movies because they are funny and deep down we think they are a huge exaggeration. What fools we were! Now we laugh (and sometimes even get a little teary) because we realize they are a huge underestimation. HUGE.
Life with a newborn
Here’s a brief list of the surreal things I experienced as a new mom.
1. Poop
So vast and expeditious that it not only filled up a diaper but exploded out both sides and onto my lap/car seat/crib instantaneously.
2. More poop
(It’s worth repeating.) So vast and expeditious that when a diaper was not in place, it flew across the room and hit the wall on the other side. Seriously. I got the baby all cleaned up and turned around to see streaks of poop running down the wall. I have no idea how the physics of this even work.
3. The stomach bug
That infects the entire household. Stomach viruses are the worst. Once my son puked every night in his crib for 11 days straight. My husband and I finally got a routine down: He cleaned up the baby, I cleaned up the bed. This worked great. Until we both got sick. Then the routine went like this: Baby pukes. We get up and start cleaning. Husband hands me the baby so he can puke. Husband comes back and I hand him the baby so I can puke. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
So new parents, do not fret if your new baby experience is not living up to all the cutesy baby pictures you’ve seen on Facebook, in magazines, on parenting blogs, or out of the mouth of your all-too-perfectly-put-together next door neighbor with five perfect kids of her own. You, too, will have those cutesy moments. But they will be just that: moments. And then the baby will poop.
What surreal experiences have you had with baby? Share below or on Facebook at MothersRest.
About the guest blogger:
Corinne is the author of the blog, Rocking Chair Secrets, where she helps caregivers navigate the rocking chair years with grace, humor, information, and sass. She’s also a super entrepreneur and mom of two rambunctious boys – and girls. She’s been at the mom-thing a little longer than me, so I appreciate her perspective on parenting.
You can read her other guest posts here: The 6 biggest myths about ADOPTION and the joy of having boys in The Penis Chronicles.
Photo credit: Mindy Olson P from Unsplash.com