I’m getting ready to stab out both my eyes. From the thought of spending ad infinitum hours in the car with two small children. Yes, I want to go to the beach. No, I don’t want to travel to the beach. Why haven’t they created a family-friendly teletransportor yet?

Raise your hand if you’re with me. Ah, thanks for being part of the sisterhood.

I somehow managed to survive the 6-hour car trip with baby to visit Mimi and Poppa. But toddlers like potty breaks and stretch breaks and let’s-hit-the-dog-for-a-while-so-now-momma-needs-a-break breaks. This is a whole different ballgame.

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Also, I like to make life difficult and travel without electronics (because I’m an anti-TV luddite). People keep telling me to get a DVD player or iPad for each kid. I keep not listening to them (because I’m a stubborn dumb ass).

But I do have a couple tricks up my sleeve to guarantee I still have two intact eyes (and a calm dog) when we finally reach the beach.

Car-trip tips

And now for how it’s done: 10 tips to survive the long-ass trip with toddlers – or preschoolers.

1. Day-driving is where it’s at

Dang, y’all, the good ole days of driving through the night with a beautiful, sleeping baby are…GONE.

We figured this out one Christmas night when little brother screamed for 2 hours straight, and big brother refused a trip to snoozeland. (Oh, the drama he would’ve missed!) That settled it. We now plan all trips pre-sundown. Because if the kiddos ain’t gonna sleep in the car at night, we might as well all be in bed when the sun goes down wherever we’re fixin’ to get to.

2. Nap time is your friend

I’m a huge fan of the splendid car-nap. (It’s the only way the 3-year-old will nap on the weekend.)

Plan your venture so that nap time hits at the trip mid-point. Then the kiddos will magically (fingers crossed!!) fall asleep just when you think they are about to get bat shit bored. This means pack the car, feed the little ones and plop them into the car an hour or 2 prior to nap time. During the pre-nap phase, otherwise known as the “car trips are fun!” period, they’ll chatter happily (or not), counting fire hydrants, trash cans and big rigs.

Then comes the lovely quiet period of the trip when mommy can enjoy her favorite podcast or some Beastie Boys on low volume, while the tikes doze off to dream big thoughts of the junk food nanny will serve during your visit.

3. Cherish the sleep aids

The goal is for the little ones to nap for 1-2 hours. That way you only have a couple hours of trip left to survive. (Hopefully, they’ll tolerate this last period like champs. #WishfulThinking)

Ransack your house for all the special sleep friends you can find and fill the car with them: dolls, blankets, elephant loveys…Believe me, the more the merrier. You don’t want nap time sabotaged because Emmie’s 2-headed dog didn’t make the cut. Or got lost along the way. Or she vomited on it when you went around a curve too fast (true story). Don’t be shy – bring ’em all!

Place the ever-crucial sleep friends within arm’s reach of each kid. I’ve often dreamed of attaching bungy cords to these sleep pals and the kid to prevent the inevitable wailing from when a special friend ends up on the floor.

Prepare to soothe the kiddos with a couple lullabys if that’s your jam. And work a sound machine into the mix, too. (But don’t let it put you to sleep.)

4. Position the kids strategically

My kids are now in forward-facing car seats and it’s awesome. Gasp! (Sure, sure, proceed with the hate mail.)

Skip this tip if it offends you. But here’s how we roll: Big brother sits behind the passenger seat and little brother behind the driver seat. This is helpful whenever anyone wants a snack. Without turning around, I manage to go-go-gadget my arms and hand big brother the goodies that he then passes along to little brother. Big brother is really proud of his helper skills.

5. Speaking of snacks

Don’t forget the goldfish, cheerios, whatnot. Prepackage them into the appropriate serving sizes pre-trip so you can just dole them out at your leisure (or when the kiddos are out of their gourd hungry). You know, fill up a bunch of those snack trap things.

Bring mom snacks, too: granola bars and dark chocolate anything are my go-tos. And don’t forget water bottles for everyone. (The Thermos ones don’t tend to spill.)

I also recommend SPINACH AVOCADO PANCAKES. Sometimes the 6-hour car trip overlaps with lunch or dinner. Children can only choke down goldfish and cheerios for so long. And I hate herding little cuties into McDonald’s by myself. So we live on these tasty pancakes that can handle zero refrigeration for several hours. I usually stop for a picnic/leg-stretch break and we chow down, but, other than being kinda crumbly/greasy, you can eat them in the car one-handed.

These pancakes sound fancy, right? Easy peasy. Just make regular pancakes, replacing the oil with a mashed up avocado and crumble up raw spinach into the batter. Cook per normal. Throw them into the car. Then update your status on Facebook about how you’re the best veggie-and-fruit sneaky mom ever.

6. Raid the toy box and library

You need toys and books. Or things will go sideways.

I have one of those giant LLBean tote bags (you can get a similar one on Amazon) that I can’t even lift that’s perfect for the long-ass car trip. Find yourself something similar and cram it full of giant-sized books and giant-er-sized toys. Stow it between the kids’ car seats for easy access. And pray nothing becomes a projectile if your kid is already Olympic-javelin-throwing material.

I fill the very bottom of the tote bag with handy travel supplies, like extra diapers and 10 gazillion changes of clothes for the potty-training-in-progress kid. Then I place the toys on top. That way the kids can reach whatever they want. I also keep a couple things upfront with me in case they get bored of the spoils in the bag.

Eventually the boys will be big enough to reach the back of the front seats with something other than their very muddy shoes. At that point, I’ll get these backseat toy organizer hanger bag thingys. My SIL loves them and they make life in the fast lane pretty fabulous for her kiddos.

7. Wear a fanny pack

To stash an extra car key and cash. Also, your cell phone. That way when you stop for gas, you don’t lock these crucial elements in the car because your awesome yoga pants don’t have pockets. (Been there, done that – see this post.)

8. Plan low key potty stops

For potty training tots, bring a travel potty that fits into a bag, along with extra clothes and wipes. You can park off road for the business. (I really like church parking lots.)

Another option is to stop at a hotel, especially if you need to pee and must cart the whole lot of you into the bathroom. Hotels are fun! They are clean! They sometimes have cookies! And one time, my boys got rubber duckies from the housekeeping staff. Anyway, definitely a better gig than the typical gas station fair (gack!)

9. Schedule stretch breaks

Like at Chick-fil-A where you can get the happy meal with a SHINY NEW BOOK!! Or at an awesome tourist trap like Dinosaurland. Or perhaps at a geyser. Some place where the caged animals you call children can run off the seated-too-long car jitters. Great for momma, too!

10. Don’t forget the fleece blanket

I can’t say enough about the humble fleece blanket. It’s quite the lifesaver in so many ways. Like to survive hypothermia in your car (say what?!) So pack 1. Or 6.

I’d love to hear your tips for the long-ass car trip with small chillens. Are you pro-DVD player? Do you have a favorite car-friendly food? Share your travel tips below or on Facebook at MothersRest.