It’s a bit unnerving to arrive at daycare to pick up your children just as one of them emerges from the bathroom sans pants and undies, completely delighted, pointing and announcing, “I showed her my penis. And her my penis. And…”

Clearly, it was time to remind the little bugger of a few ground rules. As in the TEN penis rules for boys.

The 10 penis rules

Perhaps you need these in your life, too.

1. Don’t touch your brother’s penis.

2. Don’t touch anyone else’s penis.

Until you’re 18 and live somewhere else.

3. Don’t let anyone else touch YOUR penis.

(Refer to the 18-year-old caveat above.) This includes the doctor. Unless you’re bleeding out from some BMX biking accident. Because the game, “let’s play doctor,” gives me the heebie jeebies.

4. Don’t put your penis on the counter.

5. Actually, don’t put your penis anywhere.

Til you’re 18. At which point, if anyone else is involved in this putting-your-penis-somewhere business, they better be 18, too. Which means you better ask to see TWO forms of government-issued ID to verify this. Because statutory rape and the sex offender registry last a lifetime. Also, you and your honey better be in sync. As in, no means no. For you and your honey. Your body, your rules. Their body, their rules. Also, CONDOMS are your friend. Because STDs are real, man, and pregnancy lasts a lifetime.

6. Don’t play with your penis in the kitchen.

7. Don’t play with your penis at school.

8. Don’t play with your penis at church.

9. Basically, don’t play with your penis anywhere.

Except your bedroom or the bathroom. (And don’t tell me about it unless things don’t seem to be operating properly. In which case, go tell your dad.)

10. Don’t let the dog lick your penis.

Bonus rule

Don’t show off the junk at daycare. (It creeps out the other moms. And I have to face them again tomorrow.)

An important message about sexual assault

Statutory rape is no laughing matter. The #RockStarDad in my life is a criminal defense attorney and believes in our Constitutional right of innocent until proven guilty. Statutory rape is devastating for both the victim and the accused. The sex offender registry is a death sentence. Let’s join together to teach boys and girls to protect their bodies and to respect each other.

For tips on how to teach consent to young boys and girls, check out this post: Teaching your kids how to ask for consent.

Share your Penis Rules below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

Photo credit: Jason Rosewell from Unsplash.com

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS
This post went viral, with over 5000 readers in less than 24 hours – and counting! Here are my favorite comments on Facebook about it:

That pretty much sums it up. It is important to have the conversation. This conversation will protect boys from inappropriate contact from older or same age youth.
–Elizabeth, district court judge, mother of two boys, and one of my dear friends from high school

My first thought was, “They have to have rules?” But then near the end it does explain the importance of this article. Thank you.

My standard, which I may put on a sign in the boys’ bathroom: Keep your penis in your pants.

It has always amazed me how they somehow come out of the womb obsessed with it…and no doubt will be the rest of their little lives!

There should also be one more! At the young age of basically potty trained but still super short of 4 years old: make sure that you put the toilet seat ALL the way up before whipping your junk out to pee! And make sure it’s put away before you put the seat down!

Ha! I just said to the 4yo yesterday: If you’re going to play with your penis, please do that in your room, not mine. Lol.

Too funny. I actually had to tell my little one to stop wrapping his penis around his fork. Little boys are something else.

You know we have a naked butt towel at my house for when E’s watching TV? He has to put the towel on the couch b/c no one wants to sit where his naked butt has been. And, he can only do it if we don’t have company. HA! Boys! Gotta love ‘em!