A couple years ago, a friend informed me that since I’m not a submissive wife, I’m “destined for divorce.”

Huh, I can think of lots of reasons why I might get divorced – and that ain’t one of them. Like if hubby suddenly turned to a life of crime, aka, Walter White in Breaking Bad (the BEST series EVER.) Although I guess submissive wives are supposed to deal with such “inconveniences” in stride.

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Submission propaganda

I’d had submission propaganda pushed on me before – during college by boys. I wasn’t interviewing to be any of their wives, so I’m not sure why they cared. Just spreading the Good Word, I suppose.

That sent me on a journey to investigate this Christianly wife thing. Along the way, I discovered A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans.

While this book is a little campy, it was worth her exploration of the womanly virtue of submission. Rachel spent a month or so asking her husband to order her around. And they both agreed this was an anathema to the people God created them to be.

Because:

Some of us ladies are bossy. Some of us ladies are nurturers. Some lucky ladies are both.

I am of the bossy variety.

I try really hard to be nurturing, but if my kid is sick, I’m all, “Go tell your dad.” Or I’m gonna pop in a movie and tell you to watch it and quit whining. Whereas your dad is gonna cuddle with you on the couch and remind you that you are loved, vomit-covered jammies and all.

Forcing me to wear the mantle of “nurturer” would make our entire family crash and burn.

If you want to be submissive, have at it. I, on the other hand, vow to be AUTHENTIC.

Revisiting scripture

As my investigation continued, I stumbled upon more stuff from Rachel Held Evans:

We see this happen a lot with the New Testament household codes, found in various forms in Ephesians, Colossians, and 1 Peter. Many modern readers assume teachings about wives submitting to their husbands appear exclusively in the pages of Scripture and thus reflect uniquely “biblical” views about women’s roles in the home.

But to the people who first heard these letters read aloud in their churches, the words of Peter and Paul would have struck them as both familiar and strange, a sort of Christian remix on familiar Greco-Roman philosophy that positioned the male head of house as the rightful ruler over his subordinate wives, children, and slaves.

By instructing men to love their wives and respect their slaves, and by telling everyone to “submit to one another” with Jesus as the ultimate head of house, the apostles offer correctives to cultural norms without upending them.

They challenge new believers to reconsider their relationships with one another now that, in Christ, “there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female” (Galatians 3:28). The plot thickens when we pay attention to some of the recurring characters in the Epistles and see a progression toward more freedom and autonomy for slaves like Onesimus and women like Nympha, Priscilla, Junia, and Lydia.

Somehow I got on a list for an Advanced Reader Copy of her newest book, Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again. That’s where you’ll find that quote. And this book is 500-million-times more amazing than the Biblical Womanhood one.

She’s speaking LOUD TRUTH:

So the question for modern readers, then, is whether the point of the New Testament household codes is to reinforce the Greco-Roman household structure as God’s ideal for all people, in all places, for all time, or whether the point is to encourage Christians to imitate Jesus in their relationships, regardless of the culture or their status in it. In a sense, the Epistles are a lot like wisdom literature, for they remind us wisdom isn’t just about knowing what is true; it’s about knowing when it’s true.

Take that, all those college boys who tried to convince me, an old-school Baptist who believes you can interpret scripture any way you want to, that women should be submissive.

Y’all, society has evolved over the last 2,000 years. Rome is dead. We aren’t running around wearing togas, fighting to the death in the Colosseum and keeping slaves in the room above the kitchen to handle the household drudgery. And we ladies are parading around outside the home. At least in the US anyway…

These days you can be an AUTHENTIC wife. True to yourself. Leaning into the talents and personality traits you arrived with straight from the womb.

Socializing women

Some of those traits led me to discern in college that those boys were full of shit. No way should 18-year-old boys feel empowered to socialize 18-year-old women, especially when it comes to defining the kind of wives we’ll someday be. Any time boys attempt to entrap young women – or entice other young women to do the socializing for them – you can be sure that the patriarchy is smiling proud and Jesus is rolling his eyes.

Let me quote Ms. Evans again: “…the Epistles are a lot like wisdom literature, for they remind us wisdom isn’t just about knowing what is true; it’s about knowing when it’s true.”

Over the years, I’ve learned to tone down THE BOSSY and I’ve discovered that keeping an empathetic ear towards my children has brought out some latent nurturing skills. But I’m still me at the end of the day, at work and at home.

Bossy gets shit done.

And you know what? Those college boys have a thing or two to learn about loving their wives (should they truly take the scriptures literally). Sharing power with the ladies brings huge rewards to marriage.

Marriage benefits

Listen to the great marriage counselor, John Gottman, PREACH IT in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Any man who isn’t sold on the need to accept his wife’s influence more should consider the many pluses. Studies have shown that marriages where the husband resists sharing power are four times more likely to end or drone on unhappily than marriages where the husband does not resist.

We see again and again that when the man shares power, the four hoursemen [criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness] aren’t so prevalent. In large part this is because his wife is far less likely to use a harsh startup when she’s upset. Because she’s not angered, frustrated, or humiliated by her husband, she is apt to begin difficult discussions without being critical or contemptuous.

I guess guys can ignore this if they’ve got good, submissive wives, because those ladies never get angry or frustrated?

I wouldn’t know.

Gottman goes on to say that “boys will accept influence only from other boys when they play, whereas girls accept influence equally from girls or boys. At around five to seven, girls become fed up with this state of affairs and stop wanting to play with boys.”

In other words, even non-submissive wives, like me, are socialized to share power with others, like our spouses – whereas boys are not. As a boy mom, it’s really important that I model power-sharing with my spouse, because I want these little guys to have marriages where contempt and criticism are minimized.

Sharing power

Opening yourself up to influence from others means you see more possibilities, which means you create better-informed solutions. It means you seek input from others. You honor their contributions and talents and skills. It means you acknowledge what’s God-given and special about them. It means you move outside yourself to engage in the world and grow and learn.

Being open to influence means you expand beyond your personal agenda to grow in relationship to others – including your spouse. It means you honor what’s authentically you and what’s authentically them.

Power-sharing isn’t about upending 2,000 years of traditional household structure. Or is it?

Power-sharing is ultimately about turning that household into a loving home.

The other day I asked my husband if I’m a submissive wife. And he responded, “No, but you should try it sometime.” Then he laughed. Because it ain’t ever gonna happen. Because, as my sister likes to say, I come from a long line of bossy women.

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ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS
Loving these thoughts mommas shared on Facebook.

I can’t love this enough! I AM SO BOSSY and am raising a bossy mini as well. But you are so right – we get so much shit done being bossy! 🙂

I’ve been struggling in my own skin as a stay-at-home mom in a suburban and fairly conservative community for about 6 years now. It has been really lonely in fact. In the last year or two, I have finally found some like-minded friends and God has given me opportunities to use my gifts to lead things at our church (which is egalitarian and a pretty great place). But if not for my supportive husband, I could not do these things. In my case, I feel like behind this strong woman stands a supportive and wonderful man who is thrilled to let me work on things I am passionate about and am good at… I’m so thankful and wonder how many other women could be empowered to use their gifts, skills, passions, etc. if they had this kind of support.

I love you!

About a year and a half ago I got walloped by a strange depression and self doubt. Like stuck on the bathroom floor most days because I wanted something simple like bar stools or a non-stained t-shirt but was overwhelmed that it was too selfish. Or if I was in the bathroom and my husband ordered me a water, then I could not overcome him to order a soda when the waiter came back. My husband truly didn’t care if I ordered 3 drinks and bought 7 shirts, it was all inside me.

One day a friend called and asked if I was reading Debbie Pearl, and although I hadn’t read her in 10 years, it was immediately obvious to me that it was her words that were destroying me. My friend reminded me that my husband had married a strong, independent, vocal woman and that was the wife he wanted, not this struggling, submissive mess.

I wish I could say I was immediately better but it’s been a journey to learn how to be me again.

I think many woman are trying to change to be submissive because we are told that’s what a proper Christian woman does. And our husbands who loved our independent ways don’t notice because they are assuming we are still making our own choices. My husband had no idea the turmoil I was in because it never occurred to him that if I had wanted an alcoholic drink or a soda that I wouldn’t have ordered it or any of the multitude of other ways I was submitting to him and having my spirit crushed when he was just having a conversation about something he thought I might like.

I, like you I’m sure, am capable of “submitting” when my husband makes a decision, like not allowing one of my kids to play tackle football last year. But that’s not submitting, that’s being in a partnership and respecting the other partner’s concerns because I’m a grown up.

I love it! I will say from a (now former) single mom perspective—as a single mom, in grad school, working full time, you don’t get anything done being submissive. You have to be bossy and super focused and in charge to actually make sure everyone makes it out alive. Now being remarried, I think I’m more able to tone that down and have a partnership but it’s never been about submitting. And my husband knew that going in.

Yikes. I agree with the author, sure, and appreciative of her contribution, but… there are women who need this spelled out for them? I am glad this was written for them.

Genuine question: Is “bossy” some sort of cultural code word among conservative Christians (like “stay sweet”)? It’s a loaded word in feminist circles; I can’t tell if she’s reclaiming it or just using it, or playing to audience.

I think it’s funny that often people forget that the Bible also tells men to submit and radically love their wives like Jesus loved the church (which he submitted to by dying on the cross). I think it’s a partnership and there are times that both of us have to “submit” for the benefit of your family. Thanks for sharing, Ginny!!

True stories: In college, I dated a man that actually said I needed to be spanked on a date because he disagreed with me and I was expressing a strong opinion. Another man said, “I am not sure I am going to let my wife use birth control.” How did I even go on a first date with these fellas? The only thing I need to submit to is my own wisdom!

Great read, and something I think every Christian wife should read. I’ve been married 24 years and several of them were pretty rocky. I would say that I am a strong, opinionated, stubborn wife who now will happily submit to my husband when I know that he has my, and our, best interest in whatever decision we are making as a couple. However, that said, he respects me enough to know when I am passionate in my position and often he follows my lead and is swayed by my opinions. Marriage is about give and take and the decisions that come in a marriage are also give and take, one person can’t possibly make all the right or best decisions for two people.