One day your shiny, new baby will sleep. I promise. But for you, uh, sleep is now a glitter-covered unicorn. And I’ve heard those suckers are nearly impossible to catch.

The months of painful sleep deprivation, accompanied by the fog of Mommy Brain and Mommy Dearest rage will eventually (Praise baby Jesus) end. When your love child finally masters the art of sleeping 10 hours straight through the night, you will get the opportunity to sleep, too.

I say “opportunity.” Because, really, momma, the hard truth is that you may never, truly, actually. blessedly sleep again.

Why? Because a woman’s work is never done. Seriously. NEVER.

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Sure, sure, your partner is helping you at every turn. He even dreams of being Mr. Mom when you run back to work. And he’s in charge of night-feedings and night diaper changes.

But here’s the deal: YOU WILL HEAR ALL THE THINGS. EVERY NIGHT.

Let’s play out a scenario.

Babe wakes. Babe cries. #RockStarDad wakes to comfort babe. Also, YOU wake up.

Yes, it’s pretty frikkin’ fabulous that you don’t have to get out of bed. But actual sleep? Like you need to soothe your soul? Forget it. Why? Because of that Also, YOU wake up part. You get to listen to every sweet cuddle and coo shared between babe and baby daddy. It’s heartwarming. It’s heart-comforting. But your heart would rather be asleep.

Here’s another scenario.

Babe wakes. Babe cries. Hubby snores. Babe keeps crying. Hubby keeps snoring – ignorantly and arrogantly snoring. Your brain CLICKED ON as soon as babe made one teeny, weeny peep. And you are now WIDE AWAKE, praying babe goes back to sleep. If hubby is lucky, you won’t kick him to death til he wakes to deal with “the problem.”

Because you have supersonic MOM EARS. Like you are tethered to baby across time and space. Like baby could be sleeping in a drawer in the basement three floors below and YOU (only you) will still HEAR EVERYTHING baby does.

For example, the other night, I threatened my children that if they did not go to bed RIGHT THIS MINUTE and stay in bed for the next TWELVE HOURS, I was going to eat ice cream in front of them the next day.

The 4-year-old voiced his concerns. What if you hear my sheets rumble? Or my sleep buddy bear’s bell rings?

Like he knew I’d be listening. Because, well, he knew I’d be listening. Because, well, I CANNOT NOT LISTEN.

You’re on high alert

So what gives?

My favorite neuroscientists claim that our mom-brains are always on. Where we’re really only half-sleeping. We carried baby around in our tummies for months (or adopted baby last month and are busy bonding at all hours of the night). It’s our job as THE MOMMA to make sure baby is successful in the world. We protected baby while in the womb, we’ll protect baby while out of the womb. It’s the least we can do. Evolution demands it.

Which means, at night, when we’re no longer watching baby’s every move like a hawk, our brains are listening to every move like a hoot owl. (Get it? Owls are nocturnal, hawks are diurnal? There’s your sciencey lesson for today. You’re welcome.)

Anyway, our brains are listening for every odd sound, for every bump in the night. If we could, our brains would set up shop right on top of baby’s chest to monitor breathing and heart rate.

Basically, our brains are poised to attack any evil that lurks in the dark. This includes diaper blow outs, the neighbor’s LOUD barking dog, an actual owl flying into the house…

Because researchers tell us that “one hemisphere of the brain stays more awake to keep watch. Importantly, the hemisphere with reduced sleep depth also show[s] greater response to sounds.”

How to get good sleep

Here are some tips to lure your brain to sleep. Especially if sweet babe is finally snoozing all night long. Ain’t no reason for momma to not sleep, too, amiright?

1. Wear ear plugs

Tune out all the sounds your supersonic MOM EARS are searching for with noise-cancelling ear plugs – or a fancy, schmancy white noise machine.

2. Turn off the baby monitor

I am NOT EVEN kidding. Turn off the damn baby monitor. I get it, you got some state of the art thing that talks to your iPhone and takes photos of snoozing cuteness and is totally hacker-proof. But when you could be sleeping, you’re all, like, how ’bout one little, bitty peek? Which quickly turns into, “I can’t tell if her chest is rising high enough. Is she even breathing in there?” and other terrifying worries.

Let me repeat: turn off the damn baby monitor. It won’t kill you. I promise your mom ears will wake you the hell up if baby really needs you. And the whole breathing thing? Strap a fit bit on l’enfant and rig it up to an ambulance-alarm to alert you if needed. (Or maybe not. Because all those wifi gadgets are a bit sketch for baby.)

Seriously, though, unless you’re in a high risk situation, take a deep breath and say a prayer to the universe to keep baby safe all through the night. Then turn off the monitor.

3. Get yo’self some slippers

For when you do have to comfort babe. Now the cold-ass floor won’t shock you awake. Get some slip-on ones that don’t require a lot of advanced thinking at midnight to put them on. (Bonus: these booties will protect your precious feet from death-by-a-million-stepped-upon-legos, thanks to your 6-year-old, on your way to the potty.)

4. Buy some RED night lights

Blue light keeps our brains awake at night. So park your cell phone ANYWHERE other than your bedroom. And deck the halls with these red night lights. So you can see in the dark (to go pee).

5. Wear a sleep mask

To hide from the light of the red night light when you climb back into bed. A classy sleep mask is just the thing to block out the sun during a noon-time nap or your neighbor’s flood lights at 2am.

6. Hang up blackout curtains

Especially if you’re anti-sleep mask. Get these for your room, for baby’s room, for big brother’s room… Blackout curtains for life! To keep out the dawn’s early light. To keep baby snoozing (fingers crossed!) til 8am. You can use actual blackout curtains, or just duct-tape a dark blanket/towel on top of your Pinterest-perfect, nursery-themed curtains.

7. Skip the booze

Are you really even a mom without the occasional nightcap to knock you out? But, here’s the deal: alcohol hates sleep. I mean, maybe try limiting yourself to one glass (instead of 7) to take off the edge? Then maybe you can still get some sleep.

Good luck, momma. I’m rooting for you. That you might actually catch that glittery, sleep-unicorn one of these days!

And check out this other post for more sleep tips.

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Photo credit: Bess Hamiti from Pexels.com