By Cathy Smallwood, guest blogger

My story revolves around this whole covid-19, corona, beer flu, whatever we’re calling it these days. But that’s not where it begins.

My husband and I were married in 2010 and had this goal. That turned out to be completely unrealistic. (But don’t tell my father-in-law I said that because he’d just say, “I told you so.”)

Here goes: We would be debt free before having children.

I mean, how hard could it be? Do the Dave Ramsey thing, snowball the debt in a couple years, and we’d start our family. Easy peasy.

Fast-forward four years and we were in even more debt. Hmmm. Darn when in-laws are right! Just kidding – love y’all!

Trying to conceive

Around this time, I started having endometriosis-like symptoms. This scared us into not wanting to wait any longer to have kids.

Which brings me to the ‘rona quarantine. Well, actually, not yet. But I promise I’ll get to how all of this relates soon!

It’s funny how you’re terrified about getting pregnant when you don’t want children, but then you have a year and a half of infertility issues when you’re actually trying.

I’ll spare all the details and the emotional roller coaster of that time, as it’s another story. Suffice to say, after several failed intrauterine inseminations, we finally got pregnant, and had our first child in 2016.

Life was great

We were loving life. My daughter slept through the night starting at 6 weeks! We called her the crock-pot baby: Put her in at 7 and get her out 12 hours later.

I struggled to relate to other new moms because I wasn’t the “oh my gosh, this mothering thing is so hard!” mother. Truth be told, I thought they must be doing something wrong. I mean, I could get my child to sleep and eat just fine. Why couldn’t they? I’m sorry for those thoughts now.

Let’s move on to 2018. When we try for another child – during my husband’s short-term disability stint due to a broken leg. I got pregnant on our first try. Which meant when he returned to work, there was lots of: Well, we know what YOU did while you were out of work….

Life got hard

We had our second daughter that winter. And suddenly, life was no longer simple.

My second daughter did NOT sleep through the night. She cried ALL the time. Oh, and, of course, I still had to pay attention to daughter #1.

How do I give them both a bath? How do I comfort them both at the same time? When do I get to eat? I get one to sleep, and the other is screaming. Great, now the first one’s awake.

I could so relate to all the other new moms now. The ones who drink wine and tell stories about how difficult motherhood is. Suddenly I was crying way too often. Suddenly I wasn’t okay.

I was honest on that pediatrician survey about my mental and emotional health. My scores were not great, so I made an appointment with my OB-GYN. There, I cried my eyes out. Why is this so difficult? Why can’t I handle two? My first one was so easy.

I was prescribed an anti-depressant, and life seemed to get easier. Maybe because I was finally getting some sleep. But the meds definitely helped.

Still reading? Quarantine mess – I’m getting there. Promise.

I wasn’t okay

After a while, I thought I was “okay.” That I didn’t need meds anymore! That I was fine! That I could do this on my own! So, I quit the anti-depressants. COLD TURKEY.

And I was fine. Until I wasn’t.

November 2019, I started having suicidal thoughts.

I didn’t WANT to kill myself. I didn’t have any plans, any intent. I just thought it would be okay if I wasn’t around anymore.

After some painful, emotional, and intense conversations with my husband, plus crisis counseling, and two anti-depressants, I got through that dark period.

Enter: Covid-19

Now, how does this relate to this lockdown beer flu?

Well, throughout my life, if I’m stuck at home for any length of time, I get moody. Okay, let’s call it what it is: I get depressed.

So, I take a drive, go out to eat, you know, the normal things you do when you’re bored at home.

Which means I can’t imagine how life would be right now during this quarantine mess if I hadn’t gotten help for my postpartum depression in November. I can’t do all the things I used to do to improve my mood – AND YET, somehow, I’m doing really well.

I’m an Early Childhood Special Education Teacher, and my class was stripped from me INSTANTLY AND WITHOUT NOTICE.

I’m a mom of two young children, who are wonderful AND EXHAUSTING at the same time.

I’m a wife of a husband who normally works 12 hour days, who’s now home ALL DAY LONG.

AND YET, I’m doing really well.

The silver lining

You know that annoying cliché, look for the silver lining?

There’s something to it.

My silver lining to infertility? I appreciate this time at home with my two girls so much more. They are answered prayers that I will never take for granted.

My silver lining to postpartum depression and suicidal ideation? If I hadn’t experienced those things in November, I cannot imagine how I’d be dealing right now. My entire world has been turned upside down – I mean, seriously, who would’ve guessed a virus could close schools, restaurants, basically the whole country!? But if November hadn’t happened, I would be limping through this quarantine mess without the proper medication and without the crucial coping skills I’ve learned in therapy.

When I volunteered to write this blog post, I figured my story would be about having a 1-year-old, 3-year-old (going on 13-year-old), and husband around. All. The. Time. And yes, there are days when I’m in survival mode. When I need to get out of this house.

But, deep down, that’s not what’s important. I’ve been given an amazing blessing through all of this. I get time with my family that I will never get back. And I get to do this while I am emotionally healthy enough to enjoy it.

How about you? How are you fairing through all this mess? What’s your silver lining? Share it below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

About the guest blogger:
Cathy Smallwood, the mom of two beautiful girls, survives on caffeine, laughter, and faith. She’s been married for ten years, and enjoys gardening (though she knows nothing about it), raising chickens (though she knows very little about them), swimming (though she doesn’t have a pool), and working out (though she gives up on this far too often). Okay, really, she doesn’t have any hobbies. Why do guys always have an easier time finding hobbies?!

You can read her encouraging thoughts on sorting through the mess of life – and cleaning up the playroom – in this blog post.