Are you tired of the creepy guys on Instagram yet? What about the boobs? Oh, and let’s not forget about ALL THE ADS!

They got me running for the door the other day. As in, peace out, I quit!

Now I haven’t actually, completely quit. I just shut down my blog account. I know you’re crying big tears of disappointment. But I couldn’t be happier.

Building traction

Lately, I’d started getting good traction on Instagram, so quitting seems like an odd thing for a blogger to do.

In fact, the number of people following MothersRest there doubled this past year. No, I hadn’t attracted 8,000 folks, but it was getting fun to see how I could manipulate hashtags and BANG! MORE FOLLOWERS! Even some random Saudi prince was following me. Ooh la la.

Too many ads

In the midst of the fandom fun, posts from my actual friends were getting buried in the Instagram feed thing. Way down below stuff from a bunch of two-bit celebrities. Anyone else?

I get it: Instagram is a game. It’s “follow 2 follow.”

Before you know it, all you see are 20-gazillion posts about some perfume your new “friends” can’t live without. Or posts like, I had to share how this faux-Pomeranian-hair jumpsuit lit up my soul today and reminded me that life is better when it’s full of puppies and soft caresses #bebrave #dressup #dogmom

When you only really care about pictures of your nephew’s last soccer game.

Ugh, doesn’t the glistening propaganda make you tired?

Enough of the Instagram Influencers already! Be done with ya! Go back to your holes!

I’m sorry for the times I played along and promoted the CUTEST SHOES EVER.

Well, I’m not that sorry. I obviously don’t hate advertising. I mean, I do blog about Amazon. Because, for some reason, you guys like to read posts about crap you can buy online. I don’t know why this is, but give the people what they want!

The meat market

Then there are the creepy guys.

Perhaps this has happened to you. (Or perhaps you’re way smarter and never bothered with a PUBLIC “business” account in the first place.)

Random dudes start chatting you up. “Hey there, cutey” or “I’m here for you” or “Looking for a friend?” Um, no, no, and NO!

Meticulously blocking these weirdos turns into a daily chore. Y’all, there are lots of single (or married?) guys out there testing the waters. Good news if you’re looking for a little sumpin sumpin on the side.

The unsettling thing is what you find when you look at their profiles. Yes, occasionally there’s the proud penis pose. But mostly, you find NOTHING. Only the profile picture. No posts to give you any insight into whether they are regular guys or stalker guys.

Or their profiles are marked private. Which means the friendly fellows have all the power. They can see everything you’ve decided to disclose to the world, whereas they only give you the helpful, “I’m here for you” friend request. It feels a bit one-sided to me. And maybe not the best approach to take when looking to start a relationship.

A former camp boyfriend tried to friend me on Facebook a while back and he only had 3 posts on his timeline – from FOUR YEARS AGO. He offered no hints about whether he’s married or has suddenly moved across town from me. I’m sure he’s perfectly normal. Because: GOLF PICTURES.

But I don’t need strange men (even ones I knew eons ago – camper boy’s opening line was, “How’s the last 25 years been for you?”) checking me out or spying on my children. My account is now on lock down. AND IT’S EXHILARATING.

Here’s some advice for the men lurking in the Insta-underworld: open up your inner world. But not too inner, pants aren’t optional until date #2 – unless you’re a surfer or underwear model or smokin’ hot fireman. Post some pictures for a change. Clue the ladies in that you aren’t actually a psycho. You might even get lucky. (But not with me. Though I hear polyamory is the new black.)

Too many boobs

The good news for all the dudes I just scolded is that there are plenty of babes out there on Instagram looking to hook up. You just gotta find them. My advice? FOLLOW THE BOOBS.

I like to help out other mommas with this blog. And mommas often have boobs. So I was super excited each time a new momma started following me on Instagram. Then I learned to stalk the fine girlies – AND BLOCK THEM.

Small children these days are digital ninjas. They know how to do things on your smart phone that you probably don’t. Like, mine are forever turning on podcasts when I think the phone is OFF. Which means they could’ve easily found an Insta-SURPRISE! of fields and fields of shirtless ladies.

Today my son asked me why I didn’t bother to put on a bra. (He tends to barge into the room when I’m getting dressed. Admit it, this happens in your world.) “Mommy, why aren’t you wearing one of those things over those things that feed babies?”

For the next 15 years, I’d prefer that he only think “those things” are to appease newborn tyrants. I don’t need social media to teach him the other uses anytime soon.

To simplify life and opt out of the Insta-frenzy, I’ve gone private.

I QUIT the madness. And I couldn’t be happier.

These days, I follow 72 amazing folks, including a couple, ahem, Influencers. Gone are weirdo dude requests, well-endowed mommas, and ad clutter. Now I simply delight in the pictures of my nephew and his mad soccer skills.

Here’s to taking back our lives online, nixing one social media fix at a time!

What about you? Have you dropped Instagram or Facebook or Twitter lately? Share your thoughts below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

Photo credit: Cuncon on Pixabay.com