By Corinne, guest blogger
Our family just doubled. From two rambunctious boys to two rambunctious boys AND girls. I have adoption to thank for that – and a supportive husband who shares my view of family.
We’ve gotten a lot of questions about this doubling. Maybe you’ve got some, too. If so, let me share a little of our journey with you.
The 6 biggest myths about adoption
Here’s my take on it.
1. It’s hard to do
Got a job? Good. Capable of providing care for children? Good. Have time to go take the Foster Care class down at Social Services? Perfect. These are the basics to get you started.
2. The kids are messed up
The kids who are in foster care have done nothing to deserve to be there.
Let me repeat that: they have done NOTHING to deserve to be there.
Parents have made errors, not the kids. And the kids certainly don’t WANT to be “in the system.”
This is one conversation I have had over and over again. People don’t come right out and say, “What’s wrong with them?” They ask in other ways: “Do you know their story?” or “Do they have any ‘issues’?” or “Do you worry about how they will influence your biological children?” This is code for “They must be screwed up in some way and aren’t you worried about screwing up your own kids by exposing them to these deviants?”
I realize that I can’t speak to the nature of all foster children everywhere. I know that there are kids out there who have serious physical and mental issues, often thanks to the grown-ups who were in their lives. But the idea that all foster kids are bad is a myth. My kids, and I’m sure many, many more, simply want love and stability. To know that they are part of a family where they can trust the grown-ups to, you know, be responsible grown-ups.
3. It costs a lot of money
Yes, it can cost thousands of dollars. International adoption in particular, is very expensive. But adoption of kids right here in the USA through the foster care system? Very low cost, and sometimes FREE.
4. It takes a long time
This truly depends on your definition of long. Our entire adoption process took just over 1 year. Did a year feel like a long time for waiting and not knowing what was going to happen? Hell, yes. Was it an emotional roller coaster? Absolutely. But really, it was only a few months longer than my pregnancies. And any “birth momma” can tell you that pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster, too, where you just keep hoping everything’s going to turn out great!
5. Babies are the good ones
I get it. Babies are cute. And that baby smell is sooo good. But I did NOT want another baby. Babies don’t let you sleep, and the constant needs (changing, feeding, changing, feeding, repeat…) Been there, done that. Not interested. I wanted a school-age kiddo (or two). As in: a child who was at least potty trained.
I know a lot of families worry about adoptive kids remembering their biological families and this being a problem. With babies, you can avoid this entirely. But with our girls, and I’m sure many others, most of those memories aren’t the best. There’s no driving need to revisit them.
The driving need my girls have is to be fully integrated into this new family – and to make new memories.
Our girls have gone through our photo albums and made a list of EVERYTHING we ever did as a family before they arrived and are dead set on us repeating those activities with them.
They want those same memories. We’ve already checked a couple items off their bucket list. And it was awesome.
6. You instantly love the kids
This is hard to say, but honestly, I didn’t even know if I really liked these kids before they moved in with us. The adoption felt to me like a foregone conclusion. The universe, God, whatever higher power you believe in, seemed to have made so many things line up that I couldn’t say no. I had to say yes. And trust that these were the right kids, the right thing to do, the right time.
No, on the day we met the girls, I didn’t love them. When we visited with them, and when they moved in, it was a bit like having a play date or a sleepover. A really long, extended play date or sleepover. The kids came and went, and although I was responsible for their safety, I wasn’t really parenting them. They weren’t really “mine.”
I somehow feel bad about this. As though I should have had an instant bond and just “known” that these were my girls. That would be the magical story.
Here’s the thing: I didn’t have that instant bond with my biological children either.
I definitely had a “Wow. Look at what just came out of my body!” moment. But I can distinctly remember thinking, “These people know I have no idea what to do with a baby, right?,” and once we got home wondering, “When is somebody going to come get this baby?” In love? No. Tired, overwhelmed, emotional, sleep-deprived, and scared shitless? Yes.
The feelings I had about my adoptive children were VERY similar. I just got a little more sleep.
Falling in love with your biological baby takes time. You have to get to know him, his likes and dislikes, and he has to get to know you. It’s a process that happens over the first several months when he’s invading every corner of your life. Making memories by being thrown up on and such. All the fun stuff.
Adoption is no different. You fall in love by spending time together, wiping noses, doctoring ouchies, changing peed-upon bed sheets, etc. All the fun stuff.
That’s how you build a real relationship.
Now you’ll have to excuse me. I have four screaming kids who sound like they’re destroying the house. I better go check on them. (And I couldn’t be happier.)
What adoption myths have you uncovered? Share your stories below or on Facebook at MothersRest.
About the guest blogger:
Corinne is the author of the blog, Rocking Chair Secrets, where she helps caregivers navigate the rocking chair years with grace, humor, information, and sass. She’s also a super entrepreneur and mom of two rambunctious boys – and girls. She’s been at the mom-thing a little longer than me, so I appreciate her perspective on parenting.
You can read her other guest posts here: The truth about newborns (hint: there’s a lot of poop) and the joy of having boys in The Penis Chronicles.
Photo credit: Patricia Prudente from Unsplash.com
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS
Loving these honest notes mommas shared on Facebook.
I am an adoptive momma and I’m hit or miss on the myths, only because our story is different than hers. We did not adopt from foster care, we adopted an infant through private adoption (although she was sheltered by DCF). Out of all of them, #6 rings the most true! And yes, it’s expensive and hard…but so is pregnancy, potentially! I love that it brings about discussion about adoption and speaks truth into a topic that many feels nervous to talk about.
This speaks to foster-to-adopt mainly, and I think different kinds of adoptions bring different feelings because they are very different. We adopted domestically and our son was a newborn.
I do disagree in that I loved him from the minute I knew about him. The same way I felt when I got pregnant. That I would be devastated in either case if I lost them before I even ever held them.
Yes ma’am. Finalizing his adoption seemed like the longest year of our life. And, I felt like an extended babysitter for several months before our bonding started to feel natural. Now… I forget he didn’t come out of my coochie. He is MY child. Forever and always.
I am an adoptive momma. My sweet devil boy came to us through foster care at 10 months old. Our adoption took two very long years. A LOT of ups and downs, worries and concerns….but MORE love and fun and learning and a respect for all foster and adoptive parents. Is it hard? Yep. Is it worth it? OMG. More than I can ever express in words.
My adopted son has an older brother (18 mo older) who was already adopted by their grandparents when my son came along. Since then their bio mom has had a daughter who was adopted by other family (unfortunately, in another state)…The boys have the same bio mom and dad, the younger sister has a different dad. The boys see each other almost every weekend (they either spend the weekend at my house or grandma’s house)…..It’s a unique situation.
4 of my 5 kids are adopted from foster care. Keeps life interesting!
Foster adoptive momma to sibling group will total 4 when we finalize the last one. Lots and lots of truth in article. Kids came to us at almost 4 and 14 months. Then a year later newborn sister, and 18 months later another newborn sister.
Been 5 very long years to complete these adoptions but offering a home to 4 full siblings is such an awesome benefit to both them and us, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
I’m an adoptive momma. My son was born my maternal great nephew….born addicted and we got kinship when he was 3 days old. It took almost 2 years for the adoption to be finalized. We have recently done all the paperwork to see if we may be able to add to our family through Social Services.
I’m an adoptive mom from birth. We were selected about a month before he was born. Love my little guy so much!!
I’m the adopted child. I am pretty awesome.
I have my parents and my bio mom. I’m pretty blessed! It’s crazy! I found both mother and father, but she’s my best friend. Reunion is nothing to be afraid of.
I have a lot to say about this, but I’m not going to. It’s personal to me. I am an adoptee, a birth mother, and have one child through step adoption. I’ve seen the ins and outs of several sides of the adoption triad and work especially with adoptees now.
This article speaks about international adoption, but the same experience actually exists in America. The one difference is perhaps they didn’t speak the same language. This is the side of adoption no one speaks about. The child is the one who ends up with no voice. You “choose” the child to adopt, but the process was never explained to him, he was never prepared for it, everything is new, and yet he is told by society to be grateful because it is better for him. I wish we, as a society, would place more emphasis on less articles like this and about hearing the voice of the children. And I feel a course in RAD should be required.
Adoption is trauma. I work with people every day who were adopted by “good families” as infants and are dealing with the adoption trauma as adults. Or, the ones adopted to make a family “complete”, and dealing with that trauma. Or, the ones who were “bad” and abused, discarded for a second time, or labelled in their lives negatively. In the adoption triad, the child suffers as much loss as his birth family, yet is never understood nor given the chance to grieve it without either distancing his adoptive family or being suppressed by how especially Christian society portrays it.
Yes, these kids need help. They do not need to be “rescued.” They aren’t “damaged.” Too often I run into adoptive families who feel they did a great thing by saving their child and they never comprehend how those words, spoken to others within earshot if the child, what type of picture that paints for the child of being lost, defective, or unwanted.
I probably said more than I should, because these things aren’t allowed to be said, but I head a group of adult adoptees who all share the common interest if wanting to find out who they are, and their identity isn’t within their adoptive families. They love them, but I hear the hurt even though they were “good families” who only loved them and gave them all the opportunity in the world. And as adults, older children, their adoption haunts them. They want to know, they discuss how comments made them feel (just yesterday one recalled how his adoptive dad use to joke they picked them up at the mall. It was a joke. However, that comment and ones like it really affected the child even to adulthood. Another one, as she got older, was shown the newspaper clippings of how her and her brother were left in an abandoned building when social services found them and placed them for adoption. She was two. She has no real memory of this. When they found her, she was adopted by a foster family and everything was lovely. Except no one thought a child that old had trauma issues, so it was never addressed. Luke most adoptees, they were set up to believe they were the lucky ones, the chosen ones. And one day in her knees feed someone posted the same article and asked whatever happened to the paint chip babies? Her. Her brother. Because they were peeling paint off the wall and eating it to stay alive when they were found. It triggered such trauma.
These stories are what I dealt with in just the last two days. The group I am apart of have more than 1 MILLION adoptees. Almost all of them acknowledge great adoptive families but still having unresolved trauma and unable to work with it because their adoptive families made it difficult either knowingly or unknowingly.
My two cents because I see it every day. Adoption is trauma. Before reading an article and considering adopting, ask if you can give the child (even as adult) the space they need to grieve, to mourn, or work through the adoption trauma. Most don’t or won’t or have unknowingly contributed to the trauma, such as the joke about the mall.